I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
