he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
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I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
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They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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