Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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