During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
