Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
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He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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