my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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