You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
