her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
