I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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