I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My pussy is not your playground.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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