Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
