I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
