i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
