I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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