a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
