babies were throwing up all over the place
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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