sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
