Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Drunk is a universal language darling
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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