I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
