I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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