You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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