i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
