my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
