I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
