Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
