I didn't shave. On purpose
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
