When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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