I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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