i just had sex bonerless
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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