The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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