just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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