Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
