I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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