and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
