Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
