I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
