you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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