I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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