Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
