She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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