The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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