Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
