I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
