Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
