We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
