Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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