M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
