i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
