It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
i now understand why vodka
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
