I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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