Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
