You just made me feel so damn special
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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