it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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