Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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