Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
