totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
