i think i have two assholes
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
