i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
